:: Electric Psychedelic Pussycat Swinger's Club ::

:: Thursday, February 24, 2005 ::

innervision

Funny thing happened this morning on the subway commute into work. I hadn't listened to it in a while so I queued up Either/Or by Elliott Smith. Track by track I delved further into the music: "Speed Trials", "Rose Parade"... by the time I got to "Angeles", I wanted so badly to write that I actually got out a scrap of paper and feverishly began scribbling.

Work, job search, isolation, fear of failure, of success - those were just a few of the things that came to mind during that 20 minute commute. As I've mentioned before, I've lacked inspiration to write in this thing for a while now, so it was all the more surprising that all it took was some Elliott Smith to bring out the poignant anxiety and broodiness locked up inside me.

The biggest thing that's been on my mind is securing employment post-graduation. I've been ignoring looking for a full-time job simply because I don't want to hasten the onset of reality: that I've been a miserably underachieving law student these past 3 years. The way I've approached the whole job application process is, "if I don't start looking, then they can't reject me, thereby keeping my hopes alive". Nice. It's good to see the $100,000 in tuition hasn't gone to waste in the reasoning and analytical skills departments.

What's more, I've been reevaluating my decision to go into entertainment law more and more these past few days. By foregoing the international law/international trade law route, which encompassed my entire undergraduate career and 1.5 years of graduate school, for a chance at the flash and excitement of the music industry, I feel like I've sold out in a way. Don't get me wrong: I love music. But I'm not sure if a legal career in it can be fulfilling - for me. I'm the type that needs to feel like my career has to serve a higher purpose and I don't know if I can just shut that part of me down. Funny how the universe works its ass off to show you signs (think Alchemist) as I'd recently met someone who is leaving their job in editing magazines and studying to pass the entry exam on the way to becoming a U.S. foreign diplomat. Hearing this made me think back to the days of studying International Relations and how genuinely interested and passionate I was [sic] about the subject.

I want to feel that again. I'd settle for even a small taste of it.

I want to be useful, somehow.

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