:: Electric Psychedelic Pussycat Swinger's Club ::

:: Thursday, May 27, 2004 ::

from the heart

02:37:01 AM.

Can't sleep. After lying in the dark for the past half hour, felt the urge for a cigarette. Stepped outside and crouched down to the floor, perched underneath the doorway to the backyard.

I'm in that half-conscious state that's conducive to getting lost in deep thought - about what exacxtly, i'm not sure. One thing though is that, for the first time, I feel like I'm waking up and realizing how old I am. I'm not that little kid anymore, although until tonight i felt like nothing had changed. I'll soon be turning twenty-seven. Twenty-seven. It's difficult to even get that to roll off my tongue. I can't help but think back on all the associations I had with reaching that point in life. Figured I'd be engaged or married. Or at least have a successful job, money, a nice car.

My stream of consciousness is erratic. I drift in and out of the here and now, due in part to the intermittent flashes of lightning and the occasional drop of rain that the wind blows onto my weary face. I had to get this out. On paper, or the computer. Whichever. I feel all the control I've had over my life has simply been illusory. What am I doing here, 3000 miles away from home? How am I ever going to repay the hundred thousand dollars incurred through this terrible investment called law school, unless I devote the rest of my life to practicing something that has only held my interest for 1 year out of a possible 3?

Like everyone else, I sometimes wonder where I'd be if I had done A instead of B. Or even C instead of A. I'm sure I'll think myself to an early grave if I let myself go on. There are a lot of things I no longer believe in that I once did. I used to believe that love conquered everything. I used to believe that honesty was the best policy. I used to believe that hard work and persistence always paid off. I used to believe that there were no shortcuts in life. I used to believe in God.
I either no longer believe in most of these things, or my faith in them have been called into question.

I still haven't found a job for this summer. I have fifty-dollars to my name. I have all the time in the world and no one to share it with. Life has been better. I think that's the understatement of the year.

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