:: Electric Psychedelic Pussycat Swinger's Club ::

:: Wednesday, April 14, 2004 ::

in the end...

So I was sitting on the F train about a month ago and, upon noticing one of my textbooks, this man in a suit strikes up a conversation with me. He was a lawyer, in his mid to late 30s, practicing personal injury in Manhattan. There's a candidness to our conversation that seems so out of place in this city filled with strangers. The stranger in the suit tells me that he originally studied English Literature and wanted to become a writer. Ever since he was in high school, all he ever imagined doing was writing for a living. But somewhere between graduating college and going to law school, he gave up on his dream of becoming a writer. So I asks him,

"If you had to do it all over again, would you still have pursued law?"

"Yes. I love what I do".

______________________

So I'm sitting on the F train two days ago, headed back home from a failed attempt to study at school. The bottom of my jeans are soaked because the subway entrance always floods on rainy days like this. I'm thinking about how I've had all of spring break, wait... make that all semester, to write a 25 page paper on a topic in media law that interests me and I have absolutely nothing to turn in. Instead of studying, I spend time on this virtual journal spewing forth nonsense to strangers that could care less about me or my thoughts. Finals are less than 3 weeks away and I'm desperately trying to remember why I ended up in New York; why I ended up in law school. And I can't think of a single convincing reason. I think back on the conversation I had with the stranger a month back and his answer, "I love what I do", haunts me.

So that fateful Monday afternoon, with the rain pitter-pattering above the surface and the man on the intercom warning, "stand clear of the closing doors", I had decided to let go. I've honestly tried to get passionate about this stuff; to love what I do. But in the end, I just can't. I will finish out my remaining year in law school , get my degree, and try to figure out where life takes me next.

That last sentence came across so nonchalant. To be perfectly honest though, I've never been so fucking scared in my life.

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